PMS Demons...Read If You Dare

This goes out to all you ladies out there who are still, ever have been, or ever will experience the joys of being a woman each month.  At this time during the month, I always find myself wondering how God in His infinite wisdom would create in us a most unpleasant side effect of being able to bear children.  And at this time during the month, I find myself wanting to eat nothing but chocolate (more so than normal) and so overly emotional about the most insipid situations that I almost can't stand being around myself.

Hang on a second.  I need some M&Ms, STAT.

Okay, where was I?  Oh yes.  Chocolate and ridiculous emotions.  I found myself--

More M&Ms.

So, anyway, I feel so bad for my husband when I go crazy.  Yes, it's going crazy.  There is no other way to describe it.  There is no explanation for being happy and having a good time and laughing hysterically at jokes with your friends one minute, and then being near tears the next because all of a sudden, the joke is mean or insulting.  And really, it's neither funny nor mean. No one else is laughing.  No one else is crying.  And everyone is staring at you, which then flips the anger switch and you suddenly hate everyone.  And then two minutes later, you feel bad about being angry and are suddenly overwhelmed with your love for your fellow commiserators.  These sudden emotional swings then tire you out, and you find yourself leaving your loved-hated friends at 7:30 on a Friday night to go home and eat ice cream, then cookie dough, then Doritos (because you've eaten too much sweet food), then a candy bar (because the Doritos left a salty taste and needed something sweet to balance it out) in the dark.  Then you feel guilty about the fact that you just ate a day's worth of calories in the span of an hour and a half as you watch the most sappy chick-flick that you own, and never even like to watch at any other time of the month.

Where are the Doritos??  Oh no, I don't have any!  How could I let this happen??  Sniffle, sniffle.  Hey, how late is Taco Bell open?

So, this goes on for a week or so.  The emotions are only a part of the equation.  Maybe we wouldn't be quite so emotional if we weren't in constant discomfort 24/7.  There's the bloating and water retention, abdominal cramps, and a constant feeling of peeing your pants.  Good thing we have these pillow-sized, um, "feminine products" to make our lady lives easier.  I mean, seriously--who came up with these things??  Our options are a sticky "diaper" or an uncomfortable "insert", and both will eventually leak and/or cause problems if the wearer is not able to access a bathroom every few hours.  I suppose it could be worse, though; have you ever wondered where the term "on the rag" came from?  I can't imagine what laundry day was like for families of ten people, half of whom were women, when laundry was washed by hand in a giant kettle.

Didn't I buy a five-gallon bucket of chocolate ice cream at the store...?

Since the beginning of time, women have had to bear the brunt of child rearing and aaaaaallllllllll that that entails, including being clinically insane once a month.  Which brings me back to my original question: Why, God, in Your infinite wisdom, must we suffer through the "joys of womanhood" each month?  We can't change it, so I guess we'll just have to deal with it and look forward to menopause.  And that will bring a new set of challenges to endure, and that will be another post for another day. 

Thanks, Eve.

I wonder what Eve ate when she had PMS?  I bet it wasn't fruit!